Dads' fears around sex

Your sex life will change during pregnancy

While some expectant women may revel in their sexuality, others may feel unsexy for the whole 9 months. Every trimester brings its own challenges...

First trimester

For many women, sex suffers – especially in the first trimester when she may be suffering from all-day sickness and feels as if she’s being run over by a train for the larger part of the day.

She may experience a lower libido because she feels sick and exhausted; her breasts are super sensitive; she may be bleeding or worrying about a possible miscarriage and she might just not feel like doing anything at all.

Second trimester

Not only will her appetite return in the second trimester, but if she’d completely gone off sex in the first trimester – nausea and fatigue really are passion killers – there’s a good chance that your partner’s libido may have increased as she heads into the “glory days” – the second trimester, when most women are glowing, radiant and feeling fantastic.

Some couples even find that their sex lives are better than ever during the second trimester – so let this be something to look forward to.

Of course, there is always an exception to the rule, and your partner may still not be okay with sex. Even though she’s feeling physically better, her hormone levels are no longer all over the place. The risk of miscarriage (which, if it’s going to, usually happens in the first trimester) is far less likely now.

Third trimester

Later on heartburn, indigestion, tiredness, sheer size and inability to get into a comfy sex position mean women may have sex less often and find it less enjoyable. With the baby so visible, you may even find having sex with “someone else in the room” a bit off-putting and many men want to abstain.

The fact that she may feel the baby moving inside her, and you may see or feel it while making love, can make some couples feel inhibited, or it can make them laugh. If, like some men, you feel at this point as if you are making love to a Teletubby, then probably best you hold out till after the baby is born – which could be up to 6 weeks or longer after birth.

What real dads think

Alan Hosking, author of What Nobody Tells A New Father, got a few dads-to-be to open up to us about how they felt about pregnancy sex and, not surprisingly, says the guys didn’t want their names used as they didn’t want to embarrass themselves or their wives or partners.

Views varied. He found that while some men are not at all bothered by pregnant sex, others said they did feel a little awkward about it.

Some dads-to-be said that, while their partners thought the men would be put off by the pregnant form, things were exactly the opposite. Most men found their partners’ pregnant figures very attractive.

Some were a bit worried that they might hurt the baby during sex, but one wise guy promptly responded to his friend, “There’s no danger of that – you’re just not that big!”

A few men commented on the fact that at first they felt that there was another person in the room with them, but soon got used to the idea.

The general consensus

The first trimester

The general consensus was that the first trimester was dominated by nausea, tiredness and a decreased interest in sex on the part of the mother-to-be. Some moms also have a protective feeling towards the baby, making them a little reluctant toward sex.

The second and third trimester

The second trimester usually goes well for most but the third trimester sees the mom-to-be tired, heavy and a bit uncomfortable, with sore joints as her ligaments stretch in preparation for the birth.

Men had to once more be understanding, although it was possible for them to have sex right until the birth of the baby.

According to Alan, “There’s no need for a pregnant couple to be anxious about sex during pregnancy. Pregnancy is not an illness and, provided the couple considers the magic formula of ‘positions and pillows’, they can still enjoy an active and fulfilling sex life. It’s quite easy for them to have sex without the man putting undue pressure on his partner’s tummy, and with a little bit of extra loving care (which is very good for any relationship) and a bit of humour, the fun needn’t stop.”

He adds that it’s important for a man not to take his partner’s loss of interest in sex personally. “It’s not meant like that,” he says. “Often her hormones make her feel down or unattractive and she just can’t help herself. That’s when you need to be supportive and understanding.”

Common concerns around sex & pregnancy

Sex in the early months will cause miscarriage

There is no conclusive evidence to support this, and it is not known exactly what causes some women to miscarry. But if your partner has vaginal bleeding or cramps, stop having sex until she is checked out. Also, if she has a history of miscarriage, then rather stop sex at least for the first trimester and err on the side of caution.

Sex after the birth

Your partner may bleed for up to 6 weeks after the birth, so you probably won’t even want to consider sex before it’s stopped. She’ll probably also be too tired, too busy and too distracted to engage in intercourse.

Typically, sexual desire is quite low in both partners soon after birth. Be patient and give it time – if she’s had a caesar or an episiotomy, sex for the first time afterwards could be quite sore and traumatic. Be patient and understanding.

Will it bring on labour?

There is some evidence to suggest that depositing semen near the neck of the womb can help get a labour going – but only if the baby is ready to be born. It’s rich in prostaglandins, which is thought to kick off contractions.

Sex is often recommended to couples whose pregnancy has gone past their due date. And while doing the deed (with orgasm) might seem impossible when your wife’s 9 months pregnant, it can, and has, been done.

Can sex harm the baby?

One of the most common reasons men and women cut back on their sex life during pregnancy is out of a very real fear that they’ll hurt the baby. If you’re concerned about that, you can stop worrying right now.

Your baby is surrounded and cushioned by amniotic fluid and protected by your partner’s uterus and a layer of muscles. The mucous plug inside her cervix also helps to guard against possible infection. It might ease your mind to know that the baby is also totally oblivious to any lovemaking that might be going on.

Will her orgasm harm the baby?

No. Orgasm in late pregnancy could set off Braxton Hicks contractions (practice contractions that are quite uncomfortable, but not painful) if your partner is nearing the end of her pregnancy. Again, labour and “real” contractions will only follow if the baby is ready to actually be born.

When to say no

No amount of sexual activity will harm your unborn child or trigger labour, so you can continue with an active sex life unless you have been told to stop because of a potential problem or pregnancy complication. These include:

Placenta praevia

This happens when her placenta is lying unusually low in her uterus, next to or covering her cervix.

Risk of premature labour

If she starts to have regular contractions that cause her cervix to begin to open or thin out (efface) before 37 weeks, she’s in premature labour. Abstain from sex. If she had a spontaneous premature birth in a previous pregnancy, your doctor will advise you to stop sex possibly for the whole pregnancy.

Vaginal bleeding

You need to call the doctor immediately if your partner is bleeding. It may not be serious but must be checked out.

Abdominal cramping

Occasional abdominal discomfort is a common pregnancy complaint, and while it may be harmless, it can also be a sign of a serious problem. Have it checked out if it persists.

Cervical insufficiencly

If her cervix is softer and weaker than normal or is abnormally short, it may efface and dilate without contractions in the second or early third trimester as the weight of baby puts pressure on it. This is called an “incompetent cervix”, and can result in second-trimester miscarriage, preterm premature rupture of the membranes (in which her water breaks before she’s in labour), or preterm delivery (before 37 weeks). If any problem persists, get it checked out, even if your partner may protest.